What is the funniest/ Dumbest thing you saw or heard while in the service?

[S.ChrisKelly]

 

Letter from a deployed sailor during the Persian Gulf War, a decisive victory that was America's last conventional war.

 

"... The flight over was rather uneventful; we made our first stop in Gander, Newfoundland, and spent about an hour at the airport there. A flight of immigrants from the Soviet Union, mostly Lithuanians, Ukrainians, and Muscovites, flew in not long after we did, and we had the opportunity to talk to some (I noticed that some of the older people in the group were pretty hesitant to speak to any one of us, but the younger ones were more than willing to chat). Our second stop was at an air base in Spain, but we weren't allowed to get off of the plane there --- Something about European regulations involving military personnel. All in all, it was about an 18-hour flight to the United Arab Emirates.

 

For the time being, I am sitting aboard a Merchant Marine ship in the harbor here. Just waiting for something to happen further north. The bad thing is we know what is going to happen, but we don't know when. The way I figure it, though, the less you see of us on the news, the better. I am working generally about a 15-hour workday six days a week, and on Sundays we only work a half-day, depending on who decides to take the duty yeoman watch up in admin. The bunkroom is a reasonably small room containing 96 racks, and it makes it incredibly difficult to get any reasonable amount of sleep when I am coming in late every night and some of the men in there get up really early in the morning to begin their shift. I am eating three good meals a day --- I was joking in another letter home that there was more food here than you would ever find in the refrigerator of my apartment --- and that is certainly an unusual feeling. All of the staff officers that work over me are really on the ball and have genuine concern for every one of us, whether we are active duty or reserve, and that has really encouraged me.

 

There really isn't much in the way of scenery, either. On one side of the ship there is nothing but a plain view of the Persian Gulf, and on the other side there is nothing but moles and miles of powdery sand. It is incredible that this is the third richest country in the entire Middle East, and there is absolutely nothing to show for it in the way of large cities of industry. The most populated area that I have seen was Dubai, the city where we landed, and that had a great deal of western influence in all of the shops, stores, and hotels that we passed. One of the palaces of the Emir was on our route, and it is pretty impressive --- in a way, it sort of reminded me, with the high white wall around it, of Jerry Falwell's home in Lynchburg. The funniest thing that I think any of us saw on the way to the pier was the local golf country club; the of club that I think the natives would need would be a sand wedge...

 

This is honestly one if the few times that I can say that I'm glad I don't have a girlfriend; it was rough enough on me having to leave all of my family and friends to come over here. And in case you are wondering, no, I didn't fulfill my last night mission at the party I had, even though opportunity galore was staring me right in the face. Maybe after my six-month absence, though, I will be that much more desirable to the ladies (being a certified war veteran and all)..."

 

Yeoman Third Class Matthew W. Rhodes, USNR, had enlisted in the navy reserve a few years earlier, and was assigned to Delta Detachment, Naval Beach Group Two, during mobilization for the second part of the Persian Gulf War, more commonly known as "(Operation) Desert Storm".

 

Matt and I were in seventh grade together, just that one year, and remained friends in spite of his change of school the next year. This letter he wrote to me on 4 February 1991, and I received it here in the CONUS about three weeks later. It was typed on a US Navy "word processor" typical of the era... All capital letters, and dot-matrix printing.

 

Matt was awarded all the campaign medals for the Persian Gulf War, and COMNAVBEACHGRU 2 received a Navy Unit Commendation for its active service in the AOR (Area of Responsibility - in other words, "theater of operations"). Five years later he married the girl he eventually met, not for the crackerjack suit with the ribbon rack she never saw him wear.

 

War is more about waiting and watching than anything else. Everyone has a personal story much more substantive than talk about battles that never materialized.

 

 

 

[S.ChrisKelly]

 

I wanted an Air Force Achievement Medal so bad it hurt.  

 

When I first arrived at Charleston Air Force Base in March of 1992, I saw a young first lieutenant awarded an AFAM after three years in the 437th Mission Support Squadron. That was the first Commander's Call I attended, and the first award I witnessed. I was really envious. 

 

The ribbon, with its blue stripes on silver-gray, was in Air Force colors. Designed by Captain Robert C. Bonn, USAF, and authorized on 20 October 1980, its WAPS (weighted airman promotion system) points value is 1 point, reinforcing that this is the lowest-ranking, most common citation awarded by the USAF.  

 

In my era, it was absolutely a noncombatant award, and was generally awarded for either a one- shot good deal ("outstanding achivement") or a period of satisfactory service terminated by re-assignment ("meritorious service", or more commonly, "an end-of-tour decoration"). The first full colonel in the chain-of-command (normally a Group Commander) was authorized to award it.  

 

Somehow, someway, I got assigned to the Base Quality Air Force Assessment (QAFA)Team. That must've happened shortly after I showed up for duty one morning to find Captain Roger Hansel in my office sitting at my desk. He said straightforwardly, "I'm the new Squadron Section Commander." Out of the Squadron and off to the Group I went... Unknowingly and largely unwillingly.

 

The QAFA was a product of the Department of the Air Force's grand experiment with Total Quality Management (TQM) a business/management trend that was all the rage in the 1990s. The Navy did it too. They called it Total Quality Leadership (TQL).  

 

There were 31 of us, ranging in rank from lieutenant colonel to staff sergeant. Our boss was Colonel Dale J. Cook, who earned his USAF pilot wings flying helicopters, an ultra-rarity in the Air Force. He had a bumper sticker on his car's rear bumper that said, "don't be a plane pilot." 

 

Our job was to complete a comprehensive self-inspection to, "determine current capabilities and future action items." That's otherwise known as a base wide top-to-bottom-and-everything-in-between inspection. We worked together for five months, in addition to our regular jobs.

 

One morning at a meeting, Staff Sergeant (SSgt) Andrew J. Roy, who worked in the base finance office, politely stood up and asked Colonel Cook, "Excuse me sir, just wondered if we're going to get something out of this..." Colonel Cook asked me if I could handle the administrata. He knew what SSgt Roy was requesting. Decorations enhance promotion chances, both officer and enlisted.

 

It took a solid week for me to produce 31 AF2274 forms (the actual citation certificates, which included a blanket narrative I had to come up with), assemble the appropriate paperwork, and hand deliver them to 437th Airlift Wing Headquarters. After all, having waited three years, finally, one of them was mine. It would be my first and only individual citation.

 

When all was said and done, I collected all the endorsed citations, went back to 437th MSSQ, and spent an entire day assembling the vinyl award folders, called "cassettes", which contained the certificates and one each copy of Special Order G-00223, dated 18 July 1995. I then delivered the finished product personally to the orderly rooms of about two-thirds of the squadrons on the base. I took mine home.

 

I looked over my certificate only to discover that not only had mine been signed by then-Brigadier General Walter S. Hogle, Jr. (the 437th Wing Commander), the date was missing in the "Given under my hand this ... day of ... 19 ..." section. No matter. Mission accomplished, personally and professionally.

 

In time, I heard it derisively called, "the officers' good conduct medal." There was even this strange creation called the "Aerial Achievement Medal" awarded exusively for flying, which further segregated and degraded not only awards but also the people who would receive them. My opposite number in the 437th Civil Engineer Squadron, First Lieutenant Benjamin D. Hager, already had two AFAMs, including one for meritorious service for a mere nine months in one squadron, by the time my first, and only one was awarded. It was Staff Sergeant Roy's fifth award.

 

In time, Brigadier General Hogle would retire as a Lieutenant General after a very distinguished military career. My own mother ended up in a driver improvement class at The Summit with him some years ago, and she had no idea who he was. He sat next to her, introduced himself as "Woody", mentioned that he'd been in the Air Force, and holding up three fingers, said he had this many stars! My mother was in the USAF, 1955-1957, as an enlisted aircrew member with the 7167th Special Air Missions Squadron. I'm sure the two of them didn't concentrate much on the class itself, based on what she told me later.

 

Sometimes a story you tell about yourself ends up being about someone else. That helped me learn more about myself than I realized.

 

Images:

1) AFAM 

2) General Hogle

3) My mother on active service

 

 

 

[S.ChrisKelly]

I was the Squadron Section Commander for 437 LGS (that's Logistics Group Supply), and my positions suffix was CCQ (CC is a military abbreviation for anyone in a command position, such as the first sergeant, whose "office symbol" was 437 LGS/CCF). My job was a combination of both administration and personnel for the squadron. It was also a dumping ground for all the "additional duties" no other officer could or would handle.

 

Nonetheless, I did have some "slack time" here and there, and I used it constructively to tour the other sections of my outfit to see how everything was going, and how everyone was doing. We used to call that "management by walking around." After all, I actually wasn't a supply officer myself, and I figured I could do some learning, and learning I did.

 

One day I walked into the "warehouse", and was hailed by the sergeant in charge of the Mobility Section, Technical Sergeant (TSgt) Scott Michaud, a French-Canadian from Maine.  

 

"Got some palletized mobags in. Wanna see what Santa brought us, sir?"  

 

The Mobility Section issued what we called a "B-4" bag that's an olive-drab, zipper-secured piece of individual equipment, about the size of a civilian suitcase, which contained (no kidding) a web belt, canteen with a cup and cover, a poncho, a sleeping bag and a helmet with a liner. Hard to believe, but true, that 437 LGS was still issuing the old "chamber pot" steel helmets from the 1980s as late as 1993. Basically, when someone deployed to someplace like Saudi Arabia, Kuwait, Bahrain, etc., a trip to the Mobility Section was required, and the B-4 bag, colloquially known as a "mobag" (mobility bag) was issued. When you came back to the States, you handled your personal baggage and the Air Force took care of the rest. The mobag belonged to the USAF, and was on temporary loan until the deployment ended. In cases of group deployments, a loadmaster collected all the mobags, "palletized" them, and loaded them on the aircraft, usually a C-141B Starlifter. Then some lucky young airman got to test his forklift driving skills delivering the pallet to our warehouse.

 

This was government property that had to be signed for upon issue, and it was inventoried when returned, and all its component parts accounted for. Consequently, an entire afternoon was spent opening each bag, and emptying its contents.

 

TSgt Michaud was at the Mobility Section, sharing a wide grin with his two subordinates, Staff Sergeant (SSgt) Ron Miller and Senior Airman (SrA) Matt Tubby. This was a good one. An entire pallet of mobags from a recent deployment to the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia. "Goodie bags are a-waitin', sir," SSgt Miller said. "Be sure to stop by and see us before the end of the duty day." I had no idea what these men were talking about. After all, it's just standard individual equipment, right?

 

In the late afternoon, that friday, the men of the Mobility Section were waiting for me, sitting in their "office", all smiles. "We got everything laid out, sir, and since you're our Squadron Section Commander, you get first pickin's..." SSgt Miller said sheepishly. Stepping around the desk, neatly arranged on a tabletop, was a stack of what we called "Central Command Bibles". They were softcover Bibles, standard issue, to anyone deploying to the Saudi Arabia AOR (Area of Responsibility), courtesy of you respective branch of service's Chaplain Corps. I also saw vials and plastic coin tubes full of sand, as well as parts of local newspapers, printed in Arabic.

 

"We only got one of these this time, Lieutenant, and this one's for you," TSgt Michaud said, handing me what looked like a live round. "I've seen these come in before. Got a couple myself. That's a real, live Iraqi AK-47 round, sir." SSgt Miller interjected, "Yes sir, did we get lucky! You should seen the baseball sized rocks we got outta that mobag. I'm surprised that round didn't go off." I had no idea that deployed personnel had used the mobags for everything from souvenir collection bins to trash buckets. "Most of the time, the mobags are where they leave the unimportant stuff anyway," SrA Tubby added.

 

I wished the three a good weekend off and departed, thinking what a thankless, and, once in a blue moon, hazardous job they had. I also thought about how essential they were to our squadron's overall mission.

 

 

[atb]

4 hours ago, jamesreed3124 said:

The Army, Air Force, Navy, Marine Corps, and Coast Guard are the five service branches you can choose from in the US military. Their admission requirements, fundamental military training, daily schedules, deployments, and cultures are different.

And now, the US Space Force, too.

[S.ChrisKelly]

Thanks for the link.  Best part was the video presentation on Army initial accession training. 

 

What a deterrent to joining the infantry.  I understand more so now why my own father, drafted in 1960 (basic training, Fort Benning, conducted by the 17th FA) and subsequently assigned to the 4th ID at Fort Lewis, was so against my even joining the Cub Scouts.

 

Nonetheless, my question...  In the Army, all personnel are soldiers first, and specialists, second.  In the Navy and Coast Guard, all personnel are sailors (not seamen...  merchants are seamen, not sailors) first, and technicians second.  Marines are basically naval infantry, so that's in line with the Army's basic outlook.  The Air Force?  Well...  We didn't all fly, so...

 

Any thoughts?  

[phantomfixer]

Ramstein AB, early 80s...big snow storm, no plows...lets fire upa F4 phantom, hook it up to a tow vehicle..and tow it around with engines running to melt/blow away the snow...it worked until the melted snow iced over and the biggest ice skating rink was created...

 

Dover AFB early 90's (I missed this event, was TDY at the time thank God, but heard about it)   squadron low level Lt decided to have a pig roast..no sweat...half the squadron( not really but a lot of em) developed food poisoning...two reasons...first, the pig wasn't done....second, from what I've heard from those there, they used wooden aircraft chocks as firewood...painted yellow and soaked with old jet fuel (JP8) and hydraulic fluid and yes human waist...from the fleet service trucks dumping latrine water on the ramp next to the chocked tires of the C5...

 

another from Dover AFB,,,1993... what could possibly go wrong from hosting Lynyrd Skynyrd at the base and opening it up to the public...what could possibly go wrong....think Woodstock, but on a smaller scale...

[collectsmedals]

On 4/20/2023 at 11:34 AM, S.ChrisKelly said:

In the Navy and Coast Guard, all personnel are sailors (not seamen...  merchants are seamen, not sailors) first, and technicians second.

In the Nuclear Navy (i.e.: Reactor Operators) we were technicians first and sailors (barely) second.

[268th C.A.]

That pig roast had too be great ! shaking my head, Its a wonder they didn't just use old tires too cook it over... probably every bit as tasty.... put the pig on a spit and burn jet fuel rub the pig down in diesel fuel. How many ways can you cook a pig ? Probably a few cooked with napalm in VN. Not intended for human consumption.   Yummy 

[Obsolete_Battleship]

Despite my handle as "Obsolete Battleship" I was in the Army 1979-83. QMC. Basically ended up as a E-5 Warehouse Foreman. It was actually kind of fun.

 

Not long after I started, at Ft Leonard Wood- I once saw a requisition form come across for more requisition forms so a 1st Sargent of a MP unit could requisition more socks.....

Thinking this was some sort of prank on the new guy,(why wouldn't you just get the damned socks, thought myself)  I took it to my superior who was a 20+ year E-8 who had been wounded in VN twice as a supply NCO- somehow-  He without even looking up said "Nope, its legit- remember son- the Army is a government operation"

 

Also knew a guy who took frag grenade fuses, installed them on dummy bodies. Then decided to get into a road rage incident and throw one- sans pin and spoon into the other parties car, That was fairly stupid. 

 

 

[john1644]

this event happened to me in Korea in 1951....................

[The Rooster]

Great one John! You prob scared the Schlitz outta that MP !

[Salvage Sailor]

Stupid Stuff, i.e. "Chicken -poop"...

 

 

When my first Salvage ship was decommissioned at Alpha Docks (Pearl Harbor), 12 of us were retained to turn over the vessel to the South Korean crew and steam it back to the Naval base at Chinhae, South Korea.  I was assigned as the ROKN Commodore & ROKN Commanders' driver to outfit the ship for sea (but that's another batch of sea stories).  When I completed this duty a few months later I was assigned to another Salvage ship in our squadron which was directly across from the ship at the same pier (about 20 feet away).

 

 

I was given my transfer orders by my QMC, shook his hand, and walked across to my new ship and introduced myself.  The messenger of the watch took me below to stash my seabag and gear and then I went home as I was staying "on the beach" sharing a house with a RM1 at Iroquois Point.

 

The next morning I arrived early, came aboard my new ship and the Chief on the Quarterdeck told me I was "UA".  I explained that I had come aboard and dropped off my stuff the day before in berthing, etc., and he says, OK, but there's no 'travel time' on your orders and you weren't checked in on the Quarterdeck Log, so you're one day UA (Unauthorized Absence/AWOL).  He then says I'll be written up, restricted to the ship and have to go to Captains Mast......

 

I turn around, look at my old ship across the pier, look at my orders, and then back to the Chief and say, "This is Chicken S..., take that up with the Petty Officer of the Watch who was on duty yesterday".  The Chief replies, "you may take that up with the Captain & Welcome Aboard".....

 

I can see he's not going to budge as we stare each other down and he knows what I'm thinking about him & his position, so he continues, "or you can take a day's leave and I'll log you in now as reporting aboard".

 

Alpha Docks - Where I expended my one day leave as I walked across the pier from where the 25 is to the 488, about 20 feet away

 

Now I hadn't taken leave for two years since I'd been on back to back deployments, then liaison duty with the ROKN, and had almost 60 days on the books.  I go below, meet the Personnelman, cough up a days' leave and take my freshly typed paperwork back up to the Quarterdeck where the Chief logs me in as reporting aboard.

 

As I said, Chicken Poop

 

 

 

[S.ChrisKelly]

Thinking of post#87 from Salvage Sailor...  This should be provacative enough...  [This is real!]:

[Salvage Sailor]

8 minutes ago, S.ChrisKelly said:

Thinking of post#87 from Salvage Sailor...  This should be provacative enough...  [This is real!]:

 

 

I'll need to get the new Space Force chart now...

 

[Salvage Sailor]

Funny & Dumb

 

Yardbirds with a crane dispatched to pick up one of our 8,000lb Ells salvage anchors (we had eight onboard), USS GRASP (ARS-24) Naval Station Agana, Guam.  Note the skid marks as the anchor dragged the crane back towards the ship before toppling.

 

"I think we're going to need a bigger crane"

 

 

[Brig]

6 hours ago, S.ChrisKelly said:

Thinking of post#87 from Salvage Sailor...  This should be provacative enough...  [This is real!]:

 

 

Army's worse, they're giving out MSMs for referrals.

 

Meanwhile, the USMC and Navy are still denying retirement MSMs for anyone under the rank of E8

 

[S.ChrisKelly]

Saw these recently:

 

https://www.hrc.army.mil/content/Implementation Guidance for Early Promotion under the Soldier Referral Program and the Army Recruiting Ribbon

 

https://www.armytimes.com/off-duty/military-culture/2023/03/27/new-army-ribbon-rewards-soldiers-for-referring-a-friend/

 

https://www.dvidshub.net/video/886347/army-recruiting-ribbon

 

 

[The Rooster]

Back in the day, the incentive to recruit your friends.... was a real nice belt buckle!!!

I never wanted to risk being beaten with one if my friend had buyers remorse for joining.

!!!  😁 I never recruited anyone needless to say....

And i was never beaten by a belt buckle in the hand of a disgruntled friend!

[The Rooster]

In about 1996 I was a Staff Sergeant in the guard and I had to go to MEPS in Chicago for a physical because I was re-upping.

I showed up in civies like the other guys. And during the physical, one guy told me that he was not going to mention all of his tatoos...

said that way they couldnt identify him as easily?

Why? Anyones guess.

I did not have the heart or the will to tell him ( Mr Secret Squirrel) that

Uncle Sam was going to take a panarex of his teeth and draw his blood to record his DNA.

He thought he was pretty slick.

Still makes me shake my head.

[Scott C.]

On 4/20/2023 at 10:34 AM, S.ChrisKelly said:

The Air Force?  Well...  We didn't all fly, so...  

Chris, your post reminded me of this scene from No Time For Sergeants . . .You know what they call people in the Air Force? Air-men

[S.ChrisKelly]

Military standards motivation!

 

[S.ChrisKelly]

An explanation:

 

"Although the United States Air Force came into being as an independent uniformed service with the National Security Act of 1947, it retained the United States Army Air Forces rank structure and corresponding insignia of years past... Air Force personnel were still referred to as "soldiers".

 

Changes to the rank structure were proposed almost immediately, but did not start occurring until the next year. In late 1947 and early 1948, new chevron designs were tested at Bolling Air Force Base. The style preferred was the one used today, the inverted chevron. Air Force Chief of Staff General Hoyt Vandenberg approved the new chevron on 9 March 1948... Air Force personnel were allowed to wear their old World War II-pattern uniforms and rank insignia until July 1952...

 

Although the new chevrons were approved, the titles did not change. Two years passed before General Vandenberg, in February 1950, ordered all enlisted personnel in the Air Force be referred to as "airman" (singular) and "airmen" (plural) rather than "soldiers". A further two years would go by while the enlisted rank structure was studied and changes proposed."

 

Source:

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/United_States_Air_Force_enlisted_rank_insignia

 

[Jim McCauley]

Not my funniest or dumbest but just happened this morning.

 

What’s wrong with the Army today. Just an example. 

 

Sergeant Major (SGM) parks his General Services Administration (GSA) car in a no parking/bus stop. Hops out of his illegally parked vehicle and approaches me. I think, what a nice guy, he’s gonna offer us a ride. Nope, he quotes Army Regulation 670-1 stating, “You can’t have those sunglasses on your head.” I look at him with a W-T-F? look. Then I just thank him for his diligence. SGM then walks off to enforce more rules and regulations.

 

I was going to call the MPs to report a GSA vehicle parked in a bus stop but decided that would just make me as “diligent” as the SGM.

 

One thing I did enjoy about the encounter. When I gave him the “W-T-F” look, he had a “maybe I f*cked up” look in his face. 

[Brig]

10 hours ago, Jim McCauley said:

Not my funniest or dumbest but just happened this morning.

 

What’s wrong with the Army today. Just an example. 

 

Sergeant Major (SGM) parks his General Services Administration (GSA) car in a no parking/bus stop. Hops out of his illegally parked vehicle and approaches me. I think, what a nice guy, he’s gonna offer us a ride. Nope, he quotes Army Regulation 670-1 stating, “You can’t have those sunglasses on your head.” I look at him with a W-T-F? look. Then I just thank him for his diligence. SGM then walks off to enforce more rules and regulations.

 

I was going to call the MPs to report a GSA vehicle parked in a bus stop but decided that would just make me as “diligent” as the SGM.

 

One thing I did enjoy about the encounter. When I gave him the “W-T-F” look, he had a “maybe I f*cked up” look in his face. 

 

 

 

 

Wrong today? Overzealous Sergeants Major are not remotely a new phenomenon

[Jim McCauley]

11 hours ago, Brig said:

 

Wrong today? Overzealous Sergeants Major are not remotely a new phenomenon

Not the point.

 

My man was not only overzealous, he was f*ed up like a football bat. Perhaps he lost his military bearing in his haste to point out a uniform infraction causing him to complete ignore the no parking sign. 
 

Be aware of your surroundings.